my life...

ok so i havent posted in awhile and from my last post i see i havent really lost anything im still at 136lbs BUT the good thing is i havent gained :) which is really good cuz its sometimes hard to even stay down...not that that is down down lol but its better then 160 :) BUT im going to stay commited i was just so stresses out and so much was changing and i had to get other things in order and i wasnt really worrying about myself b4 but now its all me allllllll me :)

just to catch you up i now am in love with my b4 we've been together since nov 16th and things were quite rocky at the begining but now are going wonderful i feel we still have some bumps in the road to over come but we can do it. im moving in with him in april and im very excited. ok so! this sounds mean but i asked my bf if he thought i was fat and he said no but then he was like well i guess you could lose 5lbs but thats really nothing....and i thought ouch..lol that fucking hurt i mean I think i need to lose wayyy more but i didnt think he thought i needed to lose anything but im almost posative he only said that cuz he knows im not happy with myself...Another thing the other day my roommate and i got into a hugr fight and i could here her calling me a FAT CUNT and i was like wtf? she fatter then me ? like really im not skinny but like this girl needs a fucking reality check she used to be like 100lbs but now shes like 150 lol all she eats is fast food its fucking gross!!!

so here is my plan for the week :)
going to try it out and see how much weight i loose i need to start small cuz im not fully on track ....

everyday ill only have one small healthy meal
and i mean samll tho
in the mornings i might have a small glass of juice or a small fruit tho so i can get my matabolism running :)

ill keep you updated on how it goes

goal
march 30th= 129lbs

136lbs....slowly but surely :) 1lb to go for first goal weight which is supposed to be by tomorrow ill let you know if i make it

ok so i didnt totaly fast today but im only at 350cal :) yay!! and i feel better i took some lax to get rid of the shit i ate yesterday...i have to work tomorrow so ill say i ate breakfast at home and that im not hungry for lunch :) i was hard today i went to see some friends and they were all sitting there eating delisious looking pizza and i said i wasnt hungry!!! not even a little taste! so proud

i was doing so great its sooo hard to start again :( i went to the mall with my roomies today ( i was at 435 cal) and i was fine there until i was getting something form one store and they had to grab something from another and said meet us in the food court :( i knew i should of just sat there and waited for them cuz when i went and saw them eating i like had too!! i cant believe how weak i am gahhhhhhhhhh so as punishment im fasting tomorrow only water! not even diet drinks that should teach me a lesson for being so weak gahh i just wanna be super thin then maybe my bf would love me more ...i know i would love me more! so tomorrow no excuses ..i cant have them i wont have them i need to stop and get back on track i lost 15lbs in 1 month last time i want to do it again i know i can i have to stay positive ....gah i think im getting my . too fuckkkkk i could cry right now

so 2008 has started out great i came home from my parents house where i was over the christmas break and i thought i would have gained like 10lbs but i actually lost like 3 lbs :) im around like 137 .... so im starting boot camp again tomorrow and im going to be making some short term goals by fri i have to be at 135lbs :)

so i noticed that my weight was staying the same no matter how much i ate or what i ate....so i thought hmmm maybe i can just be happy at 138-140ish so for the last 2 weeks i tried it .... im not happy i try not to think about not eating but its always there....i may not be at an anorexic weight but i def have the mind of one .... i cant stop ... so im starting again so i can be happy with myself ...heres my plan ...again...

no carbs


dec. 4th 500 calories(or less) >all veggie day
dec 5th 500 calories(or less)> all fruit day
6th 300 calories> veggie and fruit day
7th 400 calories> milk and bananas
8th 100 calories > veggies
9th 200 calories> fruit
10h 300 calories> veggies and fruit
11th 400 calories>milk and banana
12th 500 calories> veggies
13th fast
14th 150 calories>fruit >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal: 131

i go home for xmas break on the 14th its going to be impossible to follow any "rules" ....but im going to try my hardest to only eat veggies and stay away from sweets....

so im going home this weekend :S my mom will for sure notice i look thin and i know it will just be packed with eating ...damn it and i was already at my first goal weight of 137 :) i got EVEN MORE complements about how thin i was looking lol yay! oh well i know ill get right back on track when i get back and atleast i know i can do it ...just have to stop myself from over eating ... wish me luck.....

p.s. im in love with the guy i always talk about ....like really i think i love the kid ...lol i think he feels the same too ...he wants me to move in with him in the summer :) but im not gunna jinx it

so my fast is going well im 14 hrs in :)

1: mon. 500 calories(or less)>>>binged (i know sad on the first day )
2: tues. 500 calories(or less)>>> so im fasting today :)
3: wed .300 calories
4: thurs. 400 calories
5: fri. 100 calories
6: sat .200 calories
7: sun.300 calories
8: mon.400 calories
9: thes.500 calories
10: wed .fast>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal: 132 (cant wait)

honestly im a mess i tried to start the ana boot cmp again today and could i do it? ...it was 500cal thats sooooo much and i mess it up gahhhhh i feel like a fat cow ...like i dont understand how ppl can eat and be happy ...i crave shit but its not like i even like it? ewwww like its sooo dumb all i want is to be skinny and be know as the skinny girl ...well the rules are if you screw up you fast the next day...its weird i can fast better then taking in 500cal ... my new rule to no more work food ...im done with that shit DONE...i feel like ive said this 10000000 times but i know it will work now .... im not happy when i eat im actually happy when im starving .... i feel in control i feel 100% better about myself

so last night i was pretty drunk ahaha half the things i wrote didnt really make sense haha oh well all in all it was a half good hlf bad night....i just found out that the guy i like made out with another girl too..GREAT oh well at least i beat him (i made out with 2 guys) lol the one guy i met was really nice and we talked the whole night :) my fast today failed cuz i think im going out tonight and i had to eat cuz ill be drinking ...i had some eggs and toast i wanted to purge them so badly (still do) but i wont allow myself...ill just dance a lot tonight and hopfully the scale wont go up tomorrow .... i think it might tho :( :S fri im still starting day 1 of ana boot camp its my firends bday so ill be drinking AGAIN but im still going to stay within 500cal its going to be tuff......but ill do it ...ahhh life is such a annoying right now...nothings really right...maybe tonight will be better then last ...the guy i like will be there so it could be interesting ... well i dont relly have much else to say right now ...prolly will later on tonight

he ingnored me!!!!!!! he really did were ment ot be togther omg im drunk and writignt his oh well but he did he ignore me the whoooooooooollllllllleeeeeee night and i could realyy get any guy but no he he didnt want anything to do with me its cuz im digusing and fat but really i know thas reallly not why but it feels like it i dont even believe in god any more i asked him i begged him but no no nothing i ever wan iswant i get so fuck him im over it fuck it ....im crying m eyes out tomorrow a fast then fri is back to day one of ana boot camp fuck this owrl fuck guys i hate it im not even mKING SENCE rigt now omg omg omg why like why why does this lways happen to me ??????????????? ill write better tomorroww i promisse its NOT FAIR
wtf did i do to anone reealllyyy he willl fsl in love with me he will i wont have it any other way what did i even do NOTHING , NOTHING I DID NOTHING im nice to everone its not fair fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk all i have to say is fuck you god FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING ASSSHOLLLLEEEE FUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU !!!! i was nothing but good to ypou its not fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

so i go into work and my friend who i havent seen in a couple of weeeks comes up to me and says ok whats going on!??!? and im like what? and shes like you look thin im concerend are you eating and im like yes!? shes like i knwo your going tho problems with your boy ... you look liek your losing A LOT of weight! i was yelling on the inside YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS YESS YESSSSS hahahahahaha thin!!!! but i told her i was fine and i was eating ...she bought it ....then something bad happend..... 2 other ppl came up to me and comemnted that i was looking thin and they were around me the whole night ..i didnt want to show hem i wasnt eating so i thought ill just get a little dinner to show them i am so they wont suspect anything BIG MISTAKE i totaly binged hardcore gahhhhhhhhhh i guess my stomach wasnt used to it and a lot of it went right tho me (if you know what i mean) :S lol but still i prolly put on a couple of pounds tonight :( so much hard work down the drain .....this is not going to happen agian i CANT HAVE IT ! I WONT ..... I DONT EVEN CARE WHAT PPL THINK ANYMORE .... i wont be able to fast tomorrow its halloween so im going out drinking so i have to eat something but it will be small and then on thurs fast only water!!! no gum no coffe nothing! then ill start boot camp again ....gahhh i hate set backs ....

but im not going to lie i felt amazing when ppl were saying i was looking thin....BUT im def not looking thin enough ,,,.....not yet atleast.....

:)/:(

so im now at 375 cal not planning on anymore i have to work tonight i usally get huge cravings at work but i think ill be alright tonight cuz im really not hungry right now and i think ill be able to last until the end of my shift ....
alright now onto other things.... i like this guy ...A LOT well hes my ex b.f we are on and off but we have the same feelings for eachother he just goes tho these little dumb things where he doesnt really know what he wants....i think im just to easy for him to get cuz he knows i like him soo much gahhh why are guys so dumb ....so im not putting myself out there anymore...he asked me to come over last night and guess what i said NO .... mind you it was soo had cuz i just wanna be with him but i know he loves the "chase" .... i couldnt sleep at all last night to i finally fell asleep at 4am gettng up at 8am wasnt easy ...its like i sleep better with him too cuz he takes all my stress and worries away ...hes pretty much who my thinso too ...hes not a huge guy like 160lbs...i want him to be able to scoop me me up in his arms....weird thing is tho ...this is going to sound dumb but i know hes thinking about the other girl we'll call her "Jane" ...anyways i think he wants her cuz he cant have her but i saw her yesterday and let me tell you "Jane" is FAT! and not PHAT like i dont get it at all ....why is he attracted to her? im working so hard to be perfect for him and hes thinking about some fat girl?! WTF so yeah my plan is to ignore ignore ignore!! ive had a lot of experience with guys and they thrive on the shit ....im way cuter hen her (not to be concied) but i AM damn it ...

school has been soooooo stressful its soo overwhelming being in my last year of college gahh i cant wait to be out of here ...im falling a bit behind tho i hate it ...i want so bad to drop out but my mom would KILL me ...if she only knew what was really going on ...

ok i guess my rant has gone on long enough now i have to write a mid term ...GREAT ....lets fail something else

day 1: was about total 400cal

i ate some egg whites and toast around 3am 150cal worth because it was so late ( i couldnt sleep) im splitting the cals so as of day 2 im at

day:2 .....75cal

not bad i guess i weighted myself last night and i was at 135 which is good concidering the weekend i had i surely thought i gained back all the weight...

1: 500 calories(or less)
2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal: 132
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal:125
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal:120
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal:115
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>goal:110

starts tomorrow :)

again! i always mess up my fasts on thurs. but i didnt!!!! im so close to my first gw!! im sooooo happy!!!

Height:5'5
cw:135
hw:155
lw:118
1gw:130
2gw:125
3gw:120

4GW:118

today i woke up happy because i knew i would starve today and for me its an amazing feeling ....after this weekend i felt like crap from eating all that shit but im already feeling better and empty...this is my plan for the week.... today only a small salad no dressing for dinner ...wed. same thing....thurs. nothing....fri small wrap with only veggies and mustard...sat. 2 slices of toast in the morn.....sun nothing

wish me luck

so its offical i fucking gained back some of the weight i lost after this thanksgiving weekend :( oh well my goal is still 125 by halloween.....starts right now.....

so i just finished 2 slices of toas with peanut butter and a tall glass of orange juice.....wait a second did i JUST TYP E THAT?
yes its true the past 3 days have been a total eating mess :( i did so well druing the week i lost like 7lbs :) yay !! but now ive come home for thanksgiving weekend and all we re doing is eating and eating and (you guessed it ) EATING gahhh its like all my hard work failed i soooooo hope all the weight doesnt come back. Its not even like i can try ANY tricks to play on my family, my lder sister suffered from ana for a couple years so they know all of them and with being down 7lbs i cant let them get wondering...this effing sucks it happens eveytime i come home to visit the fam. i end up stuffing my face and it like i let myself ? i mean i dont hate food i actually really love the aste i just hate how it makes you (FAT) and that is something i will never let myself become so i give up the great tastes...unless im home....i even eat when know one is around when i dont have to ... maybe its cuz i feel safe? i think nothing will hurt me when im here? but thats stopping RIGHT now cuz im not gunna mess up all my hard work i put in last week ...i will only eat when i HAVE to and when i HAVE to i will eat the minimum no seconds no dessert (ill be full ;) ) no juice (water) NO EXTRA CALORIES !!! i promise !!...ill be slowly getting into a fast again next week too :)

On another note...its crazy as soon as i get a b.f it seems like all my friends and their b.f's break up? wtf? gahh oh well i dont even know how things are going with adam (my b.f.) he doesnt even really act like hes my b.f. i never get a goodbye kiss he doesnt introduce me as his g.f. etc.... i dont no if its just all too new and it takes time ( i havent had a b.f. in awhile) lol so im trying t wait it out and see.....i hate saying this stuff it seems mean i do really like him and i hope it all works out we get a long great and i love love love hanging out with him and he makes me want to be perfect for him (not fat) so its great...AND even if i was fat i think he would still like me :) (not that i would ever get fat but yeah thats just how nice he is) and thats why i ant to be perfect for him.... dont get me wrong tho .... he can be really dumb sometimes tho... lets just say he get bored easily lol (not actually funny but yeah) (another reason i have to be perfect) i think hes realizing that im not like a lot of girls tho...but yeah its late and i have to be um early we weill see how tomorrow goes i read a quote form someone today and it was amazing it was somthing like "dont worry if you messed up today, theres room for improvment tomorrow" i like it ....tomorrow i will be strong... tomorrow i will be perfect